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一纸留学申请文书荣获5所藤校OFFER,提交申请前最后一遍文书纠正!

2018-11-27

一篇精彩的文书对于美国大学申请成功的重要性不言而喻,今天棒呆美本申请顾问Galen老师讲分享一篇主题虽然普通(描写超市购物经历)的文章,但却获得了5所常春藤联盟大学的喜爱并幸运收割offer的文章。


Galen老师从多年文书指导经验出发,分析这篇文章的独到之处,并给中国学生申请美国大学的文书写作提供了宝贵的参考建议。


接下来我们跟随Galen老师一起来学习吧!



棒呆文书执导Galen老师

Galen老师毕业于纽约州立大学布法罗分校,历史荣誉课程和英国文学双学位获得者。现居住在上海,曾经在芝加哥,韩国首尔生活。在学习期间曾经走遍整个美国和加拿大。精通德语,拉丁语,英语,汉语四个国家的语言。他专注于体育运动,是美国学生运动员中的一员并参加了NCAA比赛


Galen老师说


撰写非常引人入胜的个人文章的最佳方法之一

就是在日常生活中将简单事物带入生活。


作者简介

Brittany Stintson是一名美国高中生,这是她写的一篇优秀的大学申请文书。 


尽管她本身拥有出色的学术成绩,但这篇文章却真正地帮助她获得了5所常春藤联盟学校的录取,最终她选择并参加了斯坦福大学


Here is her essay(获得5所常春藤联盟学校录取的文书)


*  提示(滑动文章可查看整个文书)


Managing to break free from my mother's grasp, I charged. With arms flailing and chubby legs fluttering beneath me, I was the ferocious two year old rampaging through Costco on a Saturday morning. My mother's eyes widened in horror as I jettisoned my churro; the cinnamonsugar rocket gracefully sliced its way through the air while I continued my spree. I sprinted through the aisles, looking up in awe at the massive bulk products that towered over me. Overcome with wonder, I wanted to touch and taste, to stick my head into industrialized freezers, to explore every crevice. I was a conquistador, but rather than searching the land for El Dorado, I scoured aisles for free samples. Before inevitably being whisked away into a shopping cart, I scaled a mountain of plush toys and surveyed the expanse that lay before me: the kingdom of Costco.



Notorious for its oversized portions and dollar fifty hot dog combo, Costco is the apex of consumerism. From the days spent being toted around in a shopping cart to when I was finally tall enough to reach lofty sample trays, Costco has endured a steady presence throughout my life. As a veteran Costco shopper, I navigate the aisles of foodstuffs, thrusting the majority of my weight upon a generously filled shopping cart whose enormity juxtaposes my small frame. Over time, I've developed a habit of observing fellow patrons tote their carts piled with frozen burritos, cheese puffs, tubs of ice cream, and weight loss supplements. Perusing the aisles gave me time to ponder. Who needs three pounds of sour cream? Was cultured yogurt any more well-mannered than its uncultured counterpart? Costco gave birth to my unfettered curiosity.



While enjoying an obligatory hot dog, I did not find myself thinking about the 'all beef' goodness that Costco boasted. I instead considered finitudes and infinitudes, unimagined uses for tubs of sour cream, the projectile motion of said tub when launched from an eighty-foot shelf or maybe when pushed from a speedy cart by a scrawny seventeen-year-old. I contemplated the philosophical: If there exists a thirty-three-ounce jar of Nutella, do we really have free will? I experienced a harsh physics lesson while observing a shopper who had no evident familiarity of inertia's workings. 



With a cart filled to overflowing, she made her way towards the sloped exit, continuing to push and push while steadily losing control until the cart escaped her and went crashing into a concrete column, 52" plasma screen TV and all. Purchasing the yuletide hickory smoked ham inevitably led to a conversation between my father and me about Andrew Jackson's controversiality. There was no questioning Old Hickory's dedication; he was steadfast in his beliefs and pursuits - qualities I am compelled to admire, yet his morals were crooked. We both found the ham to be more likeable-and tender.



I adopted my exploratory skills, fine-tuned by Costco, towards my intellectual endeavors. Just as I sampled buffalo chicken dip or chocolate truffles, I probed the realms of history, dance and biology, all in pursuit of the ideal cart-one overflowing with theoretical situations and notions both silly and serious. I sampled calculus, cross country running, scientific research, all of which are now household favorites. With cart in hand, I do what scares me; I absorb the warehouse that is the world. Whether it be through attempting aerial yoga, learning how to chart blackbody radiation using astronomical software, or dancing in front of hundreds of people, I am compelled to try any activity that interests me in the slightest.



My intense desire to know, to explore beyond the bounds of rational thought; this is what defines me. Costco fuels my insatiability and cultivates curiosity within me at a cellular level. Encoded to immerse myself in the unknown, I find it difficult to complacently accept the "what"; I want to hunt for the "whys" and dissect the "hows". In essence, I subsist on discovery.


你如何使一篇看似普通的文章吸引招生官的眼球?!


Galen老师说


她的文章中的一个关键隐喻和叙事技巧是她将童年的购物经历与历史性的冒险经历进行了比较。 她“探索”诸如“山脉”和“海洋”等产品的过道的特别观察和生动描写。


将这种简单的细节描述提升为一篇引人入胜且令人印象深刻的文章。



这篇文章是一个很好的例子,虽然你可能会觉得这篇文章主题很常见,但是Stintson在文章中表现出的一些特别因素让她的文章获得了藤校招生官的喜爱。一篇特别的个人文章让你脱颖而出并弥补可能文章主题普通,亦或者自身稍显劣势的地方。


但特别需要提醒的是:一篇特别的有亮点的文章,可以借鉴和学习其中的写作思路,方向和技巧,但却不意味着你应该试图去模仿。 而是学习并找到自己个人完美的写作声音



文书写作技巧GET起来


  1.  Be specific. 要具体细节化


这篇文章中对Costco的经历中的细节描写多得令人难以置信,因此Stinson所描绘场景总是如此的引人注目。她考虑到了其他顾客的选择, “堆满了冷冻玉米煎饼、奶酪泡芙、冰淇淋的手推车。”



 她向招生官讲述了一个关于购物者的故事 “购物车从她的手里逃走,失去了控制,直到购物车撞上混凝土铸造的柱子,52寸离子电视等等。甚至还有Stinson两岁时的第一幅画《失去她的丘罗》(这幅画“优雅地在空中纷飞,而我继续沉溺在的狂欢中”) 。


她探索货架中间过道的过程,大大激发了读者的阅读兴趣,并将自己塑造成一个充满活力具有冒险精神的探险家,探索一个我们曾经认为平淡无奇但却有令人兴奋的奇妙世界。



这些细致入微地洞察力的加入最终也证实了作者对自己的文章的主张。它们是“展示,勾勒”方法的关键组成部分,比简单的一句“我一直很好奇”更具有张力、更入 微地刻画她的人物性格。


2. Connect your topic to your larger personality qualities and characteristics. 


把你的话题与你的个人品质性格联系起来


这篇文章所陈述的故事与Costco有关,但却不仅仅是Costco。这篇文章所展现的是关于Stinson的求知欲,她无法抑制住的想象力,以及她将这些特点与生活中某个方面联系起来的能力。


她写道:“就像我尝过水牛鸡肉酱和巧克力松露一样,我探索过历史、舞蹈和生物学里面未知的领域,所有这些都是为了追求理想所必要经历的过程——充满了好奇和探索的理论情境和概念。”



我学过微积分,参加过越野长跑,从事过科学研究,这些事情至今都是家喻户晓的热门话题。很明显,Stinson拥有品尝生命里所有美食的欲望,不仅仅只是用小小的单人杯装着冷冻食品的程度。


3. Develop your own voice.


 发出属于你自己的观点与声音


就像一个17岁的孩子斜靠在一辆堆满货物的Costco购物车里。当招生官阅读你的论文时,他们已经对你有了很多了解,但他们不知道坐在房间里和你交谈是什么感觉。


读了Stinson的文章,你就能感受到她的轻松和幽默。她既不拘谨又不虚伪。她看起来既真诚又真实,它让你确信她就是你所想招收的学生一样。


这种感觉是通过相信你的直觉和以一种自然的写作方式来实现的。



也许下面这几句话虽然很有趣,但听起来并不像是你平时会说出口或会写下来的话:”谁需要三磅酸奶油?制作完成的酸奶难道比未制成的酸奶更有风味?”


但是细细阅读却让招生官会让招生官去思考和揣摩文字背后的那个写作人。



通常学生很容易被一些名校给出的文书话题所吓倒,尤其是当这些申请人处于弱势地位。 试图从学生的潜意识中获取自己的个人观点并剥离出来写在纸上。将最初的美好的想法与最终编辑的”杰作“进行比较可能令人沮丧。 


“如果我的文章表达出来的内容很无聊怎么办?”学生往往会这样反问自己。 “如果我写不出”特别的“文章,为什么不考虑写一篇关于一个烤面包机或者去好市多的旅行经历是如何改变了我的生活和世界观呢?”



这就是Costco论文为何如此独特和有魅力,并得到多所藤校招生官喜欢的原因。但是它只适用于Stinson本身,因为这种风格,表达自己的方式是真实地并具有创造性地代表她在写过程中的激情,思维过程,机智和丰富的想象力。


经过大量的头脑风暴,仔细的思考,你就能找到合适的话题,表达方式和风格的组合。


对中国学生写文书建议


她的文章能使读者产生不同层级的想象和思考;像小说家一样把日常活动描绘成史诗般的冒险。她描写每个人都熟悉的场景,但她对这些场景的描述都很有自己的创意。这对招生官来说是很有吸引力的一点,自身的创造性和智慧描绘你自己的生活的能力,不论生活是多么的普通因此,我们鼓励学生从他们的日常生活中写一些非常特别,富有想象力的细节和杰出的文章。


然而,许多中国学生经常试图写一些不寻常的或令人印象深刻的东西,却仅仅通过一种很老套乏味的写作方式,这种写作手法并不是最好的途径。相反,不要忽视生活中更为常见的事情,而只专注于那些对你来说新奇的事情。把这些融入你自己的史诗般的日常探险当中。


文章来源:棒呆国际教育,更多最新的出国留学资讯【请关注棒呆国际教育官方网站www.bonday.com】


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